I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
