"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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