Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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