uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
