AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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