in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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