well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
