When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
