How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
