Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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