my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
