Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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