Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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