Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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