This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
