legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
