I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
