I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
