Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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