I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
