Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
