So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
