guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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