I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's no shave November. This is our time.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
