I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
