shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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