birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
