tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
