You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
