bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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