I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
