Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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