i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
