After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There are leaves in my underwear?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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