Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
