God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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