peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
