Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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