just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
