Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
