Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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