I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
