wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
