I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
