He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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