I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
