oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
