If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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