I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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