I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
