1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
